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Monday, December 30, 2013

My New Year's NON-resolutions

The Daily Create has suckered me in once again with today's assignment: write ten things you will not accomplish in 2014. 

  1. I will not go to Alaska in 2014. 
  2. I will not swim with sharks. 
  3. I will not suddenly like mustard. 
  4. I will not breakdance (although, my dancing often results in something being broken). 
  5. I will not get married. 
  6. I will not meet Jillian Michaels. 
  7. I will not adopt an elephant. 
  8. I will not read a law book.
  9. I will not blow up my house (and there are days that I really, really want to). 
  10. I will not give up my career to become a hobo. 
I love this. Things I will not do! And I think this may be my first day back-to-school assignment, especially now that I have a list written to share with my students. 

But this idea got me thinking about things that I really do not want to do in the future, at least for the next year. So in addition to the goofy list of things that will I will not accomplish in 2014, I have written a somewhat-goofy list of things I will not do in the next year - and I can accomplish these. 

Numero uno: I will not go on a date in 2014. 

  • For 2013, one of my resolutions was to go on one date. Well, it's December 30. I don't see that happening. And I have learned that I actually enjoy ridin' solo. I have been single for multiple years now, and the thought of dating causes me massive anxiety. I have learned that I enjoy my space, and I am far too busy (and exhausted) raising my twelve-year-old daughter and coping with my nineteen-year-old son to care anymore. 
B. I will not break down and begin drinking Diet Coke again. 
  • Thanks to the Twitter #nerdlution, I gave up my biggest addiction thirty days ago. This is the longest I can ever remember going without it, and I feel a gazillion times better without it. 

Three: I will not stop my imaginary relationship with Adam Levine. 
  • I tried. I broke up with him. He begged for me back. What can I say. I'm irresistible with my introversion and tomboyish ways. 

4. I will not stop being an overachiever. 
  • Hey, somebody's gotta do it. 
Cinco: I will not buy any more books until I finish all of the ones I currently have. 
  • Hey, a girl can dream, can't she...?

Next: I will not stop being opinionated. 
  • Opinions are the result of thinking. And boy, do I think. I think, therefore, I opine. 
G. I will not stop working out and trying to get you to be more active. 
  • Being active is good. Get off your lazy butts, people. It won't kill you. Plus, the more you workout, the more you can eat. 

Eight: I will not stop wearing deodorant. No explanation needed.

9. I will not stop complaining every time my dog farts while sitting next to me. Damn dog

And finally.... I will not grow up. 
  • There is a reason I work with with middle schoolers. They make me laugh. They keep me youthful. 

Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh! 

Happy New Year from me to you. 


  1. Hahaha!! I love your non-resolutions! Maybe I'll try it with my 6th graders. Thanks for the laughs.

  2. I love this! Everyone writes resolutions where all the kids write about the same thing. This is creative, fun and unexpected. Great start to 2014!